The me I want to be.

Somewhere along the way I got lost and I have yet to find myself again. I think being alone has really helped me realize this as it has forced me to spend a lot more time with me. When I was a child I never had a clear vision of who I wanted to be when I grew up. I never really saw that as a problem because I was so busy being who I was. If something interested me I perused it to the best of my ability. This might not be strictly true. I guess I should say I perused it until it got hard. When that happened I quit. Around the time I turned 14 I decided I wanted to fix up the old motor cycle that had sat in our yard for several years. I asked my father and he said that it was fine. I stayed after school one day and walked to the library to find what I could about motorcycle repair. I found a book describing the process I would need do to fix the bike. I took it apart and found the broken part. I never put it back together. A year or so later I injured my knee while doing gymnastics and took the opportunity to take a break from the sport. Six months lather my knee was more than healed and I decided I was done with gymnastics and quit. I had been doing gymnastics since I was 4 years old.
I guess the heart of the matter is that I stopped being the me I wanted to be at some point. In the last 3 years I have went from reading between 60-100 books a year to somewhere around 15. I stopped worrying about my physical appearance. I stopped making more than a cursory effort at anything that I could not be the best at. Most of what makes of my at this point is a deep self loathing for myself. The things I do for “fun” I do for achievement. At some point I stopped paying attention to music. I don’t know how that happened. I used to love listening to music. At some point I just stopped trying.
Saying these things about myself is easy. I can pick out a thousand flaws that are unacceptable. What I need to do is pick some changes I want to make and make them. So here is my manifesto. Here is how I am going to start being the me I want to be again. Here it goes:
1. I want to stop doing things for recognition. Instead I will attempt to do things for self enjoyment. In this way I hope to try things I am not good at but am interested in doing.
2. I will start building a music library and playlists that I enjoy and can be proud of.
3. I will stop listening to books on tape while playing computers games. This lessens my enjoyment of both the game and the book.
4. I will put effort into the things I must do and attempt to find enjoyment in my daily activities.
Bobble I wanted to share this with you. I miss you and want you to know that you are one of the only parts of my life that I feel good about during the last couple of years. I want to try and change some things during the next couple of months and I hope that you will be my willing partner.

March 18th Day 2: Pastamonium

It has been harder then I thought it would to be without you. The kitties are going to get so fat because the only time they pay attention to me is when I feed them. Today was a tough day. I awoke to a terribad migraine. I feel really bad for not going to work today and I hope Chad does not get to mad.

I did some dishes today. It took a force of will to make it happen. I also played a lot of Magika with Chuck. It was a lot of fun. it was defiantly a good gaming investment. I find myself wondering how many great games I could have bought if I did not spend 15 a month on an MMO.

I found myself really wanting some tasty chicken dumplings tonight so I decided to make myself some pasta dumplings and white sauce. Since this is really the only thing I have done with my day I decided to share it with you. Here goes.

I put drumsticks in with some onions and garlic to boil off the bone


Made the dough right on the counter. It is all cleaned up now.


Whisking the eggs into the flour.


Cut to size pasta next to chicken cut up with pepper-jack cheese.


This one got to test the waters.


Everyone in the pool.


A little white sauce.


A dab of pesto makes perfection.


All in all it was pretty good. Not quite what I had wanted but close enough. In a rapid switch of subjects my parents are paying to have the van fixed. It was not the transmission but rather a sub part of it. It will cost them $350 to fix it and we should have it back on the 25th. So I will be a couple of days without a car but not forever.

I love you.

March 15th- Day - 1 We are sure going to miss you!

Wow fastest 3 days ever. I have had an amazing last couple of days. I have been ignoring tomorrow but now that it is almost here I realized something. Your the best thing that has ever happened to me and tomorrow is the first day of our new life. We're getting the hell out of here bobble and you're leading our charge. You have gotten a lot done today and I know you have a lot more to do but I have faith in you.

We are done making plans for our future together, tomorrow you start making realities. I don't it's going to be easy. I don't think it's going to be a done of fun. I do think that once it's done we will be rocking it west cost style.

I took some pictures for you to help remember our happy family.







Some Old Good Photos

March 12th: Day -4

In four days you will leave to establish our forest stronghold. I was going to wait till you left to start this but I decided it would be better this way. I woke up this morning in love with you. I was restless and I fled our bedroom to find some food. I ate the last two cupcakes and washed them down with chocolate milk. I came back to bed and cuddled up next to you and went back to sleep.

When i awoke for the second time you were still sleeping and looked cold. I covered you with another blanket and wrapped up myself with my headphones in and played Final Fantasy Tactics A2. I did not want to leave you alone in the bedroom. When you woke up I was excited to start our day.

When we were getting around I took a couple of pictures of our kitties. They were excited that we were up.


Our GizBear loves you.



Our Chewy loves you too.

After we were around it was off to bruised books. This is one of the few stores I will be sad to leave behind. Thanks for my wonderful new book and I really think that your book will be helpful.


All the cool kids go in the back.



So many books, so little time.

After that it was off to zeppos. It is too bad we did not get to see your family but I am sure they were having a great time. On the other hand it was awesome to get to see the new TJ's books in Moscow. It was really cool to see the rustic wood look and the free book did not hurt either.

Lunch at the brewery was amazing. The best wings I have ever had. The burgers were pretty good too. This was one of the best meals I have had in a really long time. The company was pretty good too.



I forgot to take a picture of the food but the water was good too.

I was ready for a nap by the time we got home from lunch. It was nice to crank up the heat and cuddle up. Our kitties fled the bed for the warmer weather hearer the heater. I discovered that if pull a sleepy chews tail she squeaks. It was fun to lay with you when you woke up and plan our day tomorrow. And then it was off to the movies. I really loved Battle LA. It was great to go with you.

This was the best way to end our day. Cuddled up with our mutt pizza watching Independence day.



A very tasty mutt pizza.

All in all today was one of the best days of my life. I love you.