Somewhere along the way I got lost and I have yet to find myself again. I think being alone has really helped me realize this as it has forced me to spend a lot more time with me. When I was a child I never had a clear vision of who I wanted to be when I grew up. I never really saw that as a problem because I was so busy being who I was. If something interested me I perused it to the best of my ability. This might not be strictly true. I guess I should say I perused it until it got hard. When that happened I quit. Around the time I turned 14 I decided I wanted to fix up the old motor cycle that had sat in our yard for several years. I asked my father and he said that it was fine. I stayed after school one day and walked to the library to find what I could about motorcycle repair. I found a book describing the process I would need do to fix the bike. I took it apart and found the broken part. I never put it back together. A year or so later I injured my knee while doing gymnastics and took the opportunity to take a break from the sport. Six months lather my knee was more than healed and I decided I was done with gymnastics and quit. I had been doing gymnastics since I was 4 years old.
I guess the heart of the matter is that I stopped being the me I wanted to be at some point. In the last 3 years I have went from reading between 60-100 books a year to somewhere around 15. I stopped worrying about my physical appearance. I stopped making more than a cursory effort at anything that I could not be the best at. Most of what makes of my at this point is a deep self loathing for myself. The things I do for “fun” I do for achievement. At some point I stopped paying attention to music. I don’t know how that happened. I used to love listening to music. At some point I just stopped trying.
Saying these things about myself is easy. I can pick out a thousand flaws that are unacceptable. What I need to do is pick some changes I want to make and make them. So here is my manifesto. Here is how I am going to start being the me I want to be again. Here it goes:
1. I want to stop doing things for recognition. Instead I will attempt to do things for self enjoyment. In this way I hope to try things I am not good at but am interested in doing.
2. I will start building a music library and playlists that I enjoy and can be proud of.
3. I will stop listening to books on tape while playing computers games. This lessens my enjoyment of both the game and the book.
4. I will put effort into the things I must do and attempt to find enjoyment in my daily activities.
Bobble I wanted to share this with you. I miss you and want you to know that you are one of the only parts of my life that I feel good about during the last couple of years. I want to try and change some things during the next couple of months and I hope that you will be my willing partner.
I am always your willing partner. I can't help but feel much of the same way you do at the core of things, and can't help but feel a little responsible. We've gotten too comfortable with inadequacy and unhappiness because while together we know none of that will ever make us love each other less. I'd love to love each other even more, like we do everyday, but with the intent of helping each other be better instead of being afraid of pushing each other away by wanting something better for ourselves as individuals and a couple. If we love each other we'll start weeding out mediocrity and lovingly help each other be better, happier people - together. A big part of that is getting healthy and not letting our unconditional love for each other get in the way of the pride we take in ourselves, but rather help each other achieve the goals we set. I can't wait until you get here and we can do active things together. I want to start jogging, hiking, swimming, going to the farmer's market, making dinner together after work, establishing a new routine, exploring now book stores, eating new places to taste good food instead of fill a hole in time or heart. I. Just. Want. You. Here. With. Me. This time apart has been good for showing us just how important we are to each other, and revealing our most important insecurities and flaws. Hopefully we can reunite and fix these, and start our lives anew and fresh. I'm excited for this change, because it's with you, and you are everything to me. I can't wait to see you again in 4 short days!!! And only 4 short weeks after that, for good that time! I love you. Forever and always. With all of me.
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